Dear J
by TrueClaradee
Summary: Dear J is a series of little snippets from Clare's journal.  There are only a few cause its based off my Degrassi RP its for a story line on there.  This is how Clare feels after she witnesses Darcy trying to kill herself a second time. Hope you enjoy it.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Journal,

I hate that term... Dear journal I feel like a sixth grader writing about my secret crush or something. Although I find the term to be ridiculous I guess its needed. So much has gone on this week I don't even know where to begin.. I guess I'll start where I tell everyone to start from, the beginning. It was sometime last week in the middle of the night Fitz texted me asking me to get my sister off of him... it was to say the least the strangest text I'd ever gotten. I made my way downstairs to find my sister already awake and angry with Fitz for texting me about it. I followed Fitz out we argued then we talked, both agreeing we'd skip church the next day. Darcy though told me that night she liked him as much as she liked Peter...and she liked Peter A LOT. I knew something was up then that she wasn't herself because that irrational, there was no way after knowing Mark for one night she could feel that way about him. Not only that but the boy is only a year older than me, that's not logical or legal. I should of known then but I thought maybe it was just I don't know nothing, that she was being silly or something. Then days after that Fitz came to my house, he was drunk and really upset over his mom. She had been in an accident he was scared and I felt so bad for him. He kissed me in his drunken state, I'll never forget it. Not in a good way because it made me realize how as much as I care about him as a friend his lips will never compare to my boyfriends... but this still caused problems. Which were once again my fault, I decided not to tell Eli. He found out though and broke up with me .Right now I kind of wish we were still broken up... Don't get me wrong I love him,so much but it would of saved him from all of this. He has so much on his plate already he doesn't need my stuff, he has his hoarding issues, Julia and I don't want to be another burden of his to have to bare. I don't even blame him for breaking up with me then, I would of done the same thing I deserved it. Maybe I deserve everything that's happening, maybe I did something wrong and God's punishing me by harming those I love the most. Maybe I'm the problem...

-Clare


	2. Chapter 2

Dear J,

I think I like dear J much better than 'journal' now I feel like I'm writing to a person instead of droning on and one about what beautiful eye my crush has. Its sad that I'm sure I have a journal like that around my room somewhere. Anyway, I'm getting off topic, as I write this I am waiting for Eli to come bust me out of this stupid hospital. They said I could go in the morning but I want to now I don't see the difference its only a few more hours. As we were talking on im though Eli brought up my dad asking if he had been back to see me. He hasn't and I understand because he's taking care of Darce and probably trying to make sure nana doesn't have a stroke over the whole ordeal. I need my dad though, but I don't want too beg or cry into the phone, I have to keep strong. That's all anyone ever say is 'Clarebear you're such a strong girl, you can get through this' but what if I can't? What if I'm not a strong girl anymore...what if I'm just like them...what if I'm crazy. If I am gonna break like that one day..because I feel like I am. I keep closing my eyes and imagining like I'm five years old again its 8:50 at night but dad has the new year special from last year taped. We're too young to know the difference and we wanted to stay up until "midnight" We're watching it and moms on the couch with Darcy eating popcorn and I'm sat on my dads lap in his recliner. We were watching the people all gather around about to say happy new years when Darcy asked my mom about everyone getting a new years kiss and if she was going to share one with dad. Mom laughed and said no they had plenty and she was sure I was on the job to give dad his kiss. Dad tickled my sides and I laughed really hard, agreeing with mom that I would. We counted down as a family and the clock hit "midnight" and I leaned over giving my dad the biggest 'Clarebear hug' and kiss he could ever get. He had started calling my Clarebear when I was able to hug because he said I gave the best bear hugs around. I remember this so clearly and I want to be there to badly when my family was okay, when we were stable and we were happy. Then I think about tonight and how my too sweet boyfriend came to hold me as I silently cried, he told me he loved me and gave my first real new years kiss. I don't know what I did to deserve him but the more I think about it, the more I keep feeling like I have to let him go...I know my days are numbered that I'll be going crazy soon..and I can't put him through that. I don't want to be crazy through..I just want my daddy. Daddy help me...Its my turn I know it...but maybe you could prolong it...maybe you can give me a Clarebear hug this time and make it all go away...I just want this to go away...

-Clare


	3. Chapter 3

Dear J,

We're in Eli's room he's sound asleep right now curled up against my side. I keep pausing in my writing to run my fingers through his hair. It seems to soothe him and myself. After getting out of the hospital we went to our field, cuddled up in the blanket Nana made me and talked about our New Years Resolutions. I asked him what his were and he said "To get better with his hoarding" and for us he wanted "Open and honest trust, telling each other our feelings". I look around his room now though and I can see promise in that resolution one corner of his room is pretty much clean. There is still a ton to do but I know he can get it done. He's so much stronger than he knows, he can make it through anything. I hope he makes it without me okay, when we sat on the field and he asked me my resolutions that's when I knew I had to let him go. He has all these things he needs to get done, this being one of them and if I go crazy any time soon I'll just be in the way. So I answered vaguely when it came to us I told him I wanted us to find happiness and I wanted him to be happy, which is true I do. I just didn't say I wanted him to be happy with me. He could be happy with someone else, another girl that won't go crazy. She won't ever love him like I do, but at least she won't be crazy. The last thing Eli needs is someone crazy. The last thing anyone I know needs is someone crazy...its time to let them all go. Its for their best interest, that's all I really have at heart here. So with time, they'll understand.

-Clare.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear J,

I finally just calmed myself down enough to write this. I have the small nightstand light on again as Eli sleeps soundly next to me. I just had the most terrible nightmare and while I'd love to wake him up have him tell me its all okay I think that this was my sign from God to get out. To walk away right now and never look back no matter how much it hurts. In the dream I was on the roof of the hospital again,Darcy was seconds away from jumping. My hands trembled and my knees felt like they could give out at any second. I was about to grab her and pull her back to me but I didn't get to her in time and she jumped to her doom. Splattered on the pavement, I'll never forget that site as long as I live. Dream or not it will always haunt me because that was seconds away from really happening. I turned around In the dream though feeling like my lungs were on fire and I'm about to pass out from all the screaming I did after she jumped but he catches me. I look up into those emerald eyes of his latching myself onto him for comfort but he pushes me back. Now I'm looking into the same emerald eyes but I don't recognize them,something about them is different. He looks at me in utter disgust and says "Why would you do this to me Clare?" And before I could ask what he continued "Why would you be with me when you know I have problems of my own? You're crazy Clare...how could you not tell me that? How could you be so selfish?" I felt the tears welling up in my eyes I didn't mean to hurt him and my heart was pounding harder and harder by the second. "I'd rather spend a million nights at Julia's grave then be with someone crazy like you..." he spat at me. Then he walked away, I tried to call after him explain myself but these voices started yelling about how crazy I am, that I'm just destined to be insane. I'm just like my mother high strung and my sister off her rocker, its no wonder my dad wanted out the voice said. I told it to shut up but it kept getting louder and louder until I sat up in a cold sweat. I'll never forget that dream those words...I'll never forget any of that. That's why as soon as I close this journal I'm going to give Eli his last kiss on the lips from me and quietly go. Fade away from his life, I'll ask to live with my grandmother... that way he can't try and change my mind. Its better this way...it has to be.

-Clare


	5. Chapter 5

Dear J,

I have to pack so I don't have a lot of time to write this...But I did it. I made all the arrangements everyone can free themselves now from Crazy Clare Edwards. In just a few hours she'll be gone without a trace, no one will have to deal with her anymore. I had to turn my phone off and everything because Eli has been calling it non stop, when I get to my grandmas I'll have the number changed. One day he'll understand they all will that I'm doing this for them.. their well beings is my only concern. I hope they see that and know how much I love them. I would write a lot more but I really have to get this packing finished Dad's coming in an hour or two to take the drive to grandmas. I hope Darcy's okay. Dad assures me she will be and I'll pray every night about it. I'll visit her when I can, I hope she knows I love her no matter what. We're a crazy family..we have to stick together that's all we really have left broken or not we're together.. I really have to go now because there is so much I have to say but I can't right now..until we meet again J.

-Clare


End file.
